I genuinely had plans to attend the taping of the new Celtic Woman special this year, but I had to deal with a slightly unusual situation. I was going to make my way to the concert using a new anti-gravity vehicle inspired by the moon capsule in H.G. Wells’ “First Men in the Moon.” Unfortunately, across the gulf of space, intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic were eying up my concert ticket.
It was during my vehicle’s first test flight that it was seized by an intergalactic battle cruiser from the Vongslponk war fleet. They took me to their home world where they demanded I give them the ticket so their entire population of 150,000 could enjoy this spectacular musical event. I asked them how they would be able to do that with one ticket, and even if they could the concession stand prizes would bankrupt their planet’s budget. They told me with their miniaturization technology they could all fit in one suit.
While I was wondering what I could do to get out of this situation, I noticed that it was quite cold indoors, even by their standards. I asked about it, and was told that they were going through a dire fuel emergency so they had to cut back wherever they can. I then asked them what they used for fuel. When they told me, I had a brainstorm and grabbed the picnic cooler form my vehicle. I told them to put the contents through their replicators then feed it to their entire population. Within a day their methane fuel storage tanks were full to capacity. I’m telling you there’s no problem you can’t solve with four Guinnesses and a rueben.
We all decided to celebrate by attending the DVD recording together. Things did not go very smoothly. First I got pulled over for using the HOV lane. The policeman asked “how many in the vehicle?” I don’t know why but he gave me a worried look and let me go with a warning when I told him 150,000. We ran into yet another obstruction at the toll booth as they had to call a special session of the Georgia legislature. It seems through some sort of oversight that intergalactic battle cruisers were not included in their turnpike toll rate calculations.
As we approached the concert venue Vongslponks miniaturized themselves further and climbed in my jacket pockets. After a few more minor setbacks, we finally arrived at the Fox Theater. Alas we weren’t allowed in when an alert usher accused me of trying to sneak someone in. It was hard to deny especially when my jacket was singing “You Raise Me up.”
Bob, I wondered why you weren't there with us, and I should have suspected something like this to be the cause.
In any case, we need to see another show together someday... it's been
far too long.
