Time for a few Jokes!!!

[mainopsman]

Well in the other editions of our forum we had a joke posting started.   Well dig into your old joke books and bring-out those Celtic bases (clean - family approved) jokes and post them again.  There is nothing better then a good dose of Irish humor.

JIM

[mainopsman]

Short Change:  A Horse walks into a bar, orders a Guinness, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper.

The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the Guinness, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten euro bill for it.   Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him.
He duly goes back to the horse with 1 euro. The horse doesn't say a word.    The horse eventually finishes his Guinness and goes up to the bar to order another.   The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At nine euros a pint, I'm not surprised

JIM

[mainopsman]

Irish Jumping and Gliding
Sunday afternoon:

Two Irishmen, Mick and Taffy, are standing at the edge of a medium-sized
cliff (about twenty meters high).

Mick has a budgie perched on each of his shoulders, and Taffy has two
Parrots sitting on his.

So are you ready then?" asks Taffy.

Sure," says Mick... "here I go then."

He leaps off the edge of the cliff, drops like a stone and splatters himself
against the rocks at the bottom - damaging himself quite badly.

Taffy takes one look at this and, after a moments hesitation, decides he'll
do better if he takes a bit of a run-up. He backs up a few paces, sprints
to the edge of the cliff, and jumps...

Splat! He too lands in a crumpled, badly damaged heap close to where Mick
is still trying to figure out what happened.

"I tell you one thing," says Mick, "this budgie jumping isn't for me eh?"

"Ay", says Taffy, "and this parrot gliding is quite dangerous too mate!"
 
JIM

[mainopsman]

Helicopter Tours
An Irish couple were on holiday in Florida when they saw a sign saying,

"helicopter tours 200 dollars."

The husband turned to his wife and said:

"sure, isn’t that a lot of money just to look around a helicopter?"

[mainopsman]

Pizza Parlour
An Irishman went into a pizza parlour in Dublin.

The waiter said: "Would you like you pizza cut in six of eight slices, sir?"

"Make it six, I don’t think I can eat eight."

[mainopsman]

Olympic Ice Skating
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's darn slippery out there." 
 
 
  JIM
 

[OldFatGuy]

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

[fireyred09]

Seamus Murphy phoned Aer Lingus. "How long does it take to fly from Dublin to Boston?"

"Just a minute, sir."

"Ah that's quick. "And he hung up.

[mainopsman]

The Betting Father

Father Brown was a man for the horses and attended every meeting at the local course. He got to know jockeys, trainers and officials and was a regular visitor to the 'business end' of the racing scene.

One day, whilst breezing round the training area he came upon trainer Murphy who was giving sugar lumps to the outsider.

'I hope that's not dope you're giving the poor beast?' said the priest jokingly.

'Indeed not, Father,' said Murphy.' Tis only sugar. Here, swallow a cube and I will as well.'

Satisfied, the priest wandered on as Murphy dialled a number on his mobile phone and said:

'Mick, it's all set. The horse has had the treatment and he'll go like the wind. In fact if anything passes it, it will be me or Father Brown!'

JIM

[mainopsman]

Seeing Spots
An Irish man went to the opticians. "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes"

The receptionist asked; "have you seen a doctor?"

the Irish Man Replied; "No, just spots"
 
JIM

[mainopsman]

Medical Laziness
A Phibsboro man told his doctor that he could no longer do as much around the house as he used to. He didn’t seem to have the energy for any chores.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and at the end the guy said: "OK, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English, what's wrong with me?"

"Well" said the doctor, "in plain English, you're just lazy"

"OK" said the guy "now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife

JIM

[mainopsman]

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"


JIM

[mainopsman]

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you
say there?"
The agent said, Certainly ye have...Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale...its too good to part with.
________________________________________________________________

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

JIM
________________________________________________

[mainopsman]

Secret Code

A secret agent was sent to Ireland, having been told that he was to contact a spy called Tadgm McGillicudy.

The code he was to use was: "The brown bull is in the green field.'

On a country boreen the agent met a farmer and told him he was
looking for a Tadgin McGillicudy.

'Well now, fella, that's not sufficient information,' said the farmer, 'for in this barony alone there's a quare few Tadgin McGillicudys. There's a Tadgin Mar, for one. Then there's Tadgin Glic, Tadgin the Weasel, Tadgin the Plover and Tadgin with the loose gallases.'

The secret agent felt that he had to use the code and he furtively mumbled:
The brown bull is in the green field.'

'Ah for pity's sake,' said the farmer, 'it's Tadgin the Spy you're looking for

JIM

[mainopsman]

The Train Ran Over a Cow
'What was all the crashing and banging?' asked Mulligan.

'The train ran over a cow,' said the ticket collector.

'Was it on the line?' said Mulligan.

'No, we had to chase it up the embankment but we got it eventually,' said the railman.
 
___________________________________________________________________

A Swallowed Coin
A small boy was playing on the street in Tallaght when he accidentally swallowed a coin which then became stuck in his throat.

With the boy choking, his mother ran along the street screaming for help.

Luckily, a passer-by intervened and hit the boy hard on the back so he coughed up the coin. "Oh thank you so much, doctor," said the mother.

"I'm not a doctor," said the passer-by, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service

_____________________________________________________________________________

Job Interview
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out of ten, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
 
JIM