Time for a few Jokes!!!

[mainopsman]

First Day on Site
Casey's first day on the building site.

'Do you have any experience?' asked the site foreman.

'No,' remarked Casey. 'But bedad I'm strong in the back.'

'Good,' said the gaffer. 'You can start by carrying up bricks. It's hard work but I'm sure you're used to that.'

'I certainly am,' said Casey. Till just hang me jacket in that shed over yonder.'

'That's not a shed,' said the foreman. 'That's your hod!'

'My God, 'tis a fearsome sight to be sure,' Casey gasped. 'But I can manage it if you'll help me tie a sack of cement to each of my boots so that I don't break into a run when I'm climbing the ladder.'

Off our hero duly sped with dozens of bricks in his hod, 20 feet up a ladder to the first level and then across a narrow plankway. The foreman suddenly realised that Casey was hopping along on one foot.

'Hey, why are you hopping?' he called.

'I don't think this plank will take me full weight,' cried Casey, just as the trouble started. Answering the boss's shout had made him look down, and suddenly vertigo set in.

'Begod, I'm going dizzy, sor!' he called.

'Well, come down then.'

'But how will I get down, sor?'

'The same way you went up.'

'But I came up head first,' screamed Casey, just as he slipped and fell.

Twenty feet down he dropped into a pile of sand which broke most of his fall.

'Are you all right?' shouted the anxious foreman.

'I think so, sor,' said Casey.

'Bring him a glass of water,' ordered the foreman.

'In the name of God,' said Casey, 'how far do you have to fall to get whiskey?'
 
JIM

[Meldy]

 

[Trouble]

lol!

[mainopsman]

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas.  Father O'Malley rose from his bed.   It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.  He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.  He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning.  This is Sergeant Jones.  How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself.  This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.  Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,  "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long  moment, Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[mainopsman]

Dr

unk 999 Call

Paddy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequila. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatedly asks for shots of tequila until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.

Disgustedly the Paddy exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later Paddy comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.

Paddy takes the phone and dials 999. When the operator answers the phone and he says, "Somebody has broken into my car.

They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard."

The Operator replies that the Guards will be down in a few minutes. Paddy walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 999 again. When the operator answers the phone he says, "I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat."
 
JIM

[mainopsman]

Drunken brawl
A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.
 
JIM

[Trouble]

lol!

[Meldy]

 

 

[mainopsman]

St Peter:

Paddy Irishman died and went up to heaven where St Peter greeted him.

"And who are you?" asked St Peter.

"My name is Peter O'Toole"

"And what did you do for a living?" asked St Peter.

"I was unemployed"

"Unemployed hmmm?" mused St Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"

"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off by his hair,
kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."

"That's highly commendable,” said St Peter, flicking through the man's file, "but I don't see any record of this incident. When did it happen?"

"About five minutes ago"

JIM

[mainopsman]

Full Body Tan
An Irish girl on Vacation in Spain headed for the hotel roof for some sun.

On her first day up there she wore a bathing suit, but since there was no one around that day, she removed it in order to acquire an all-over tan.

She was lying on her stomach when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She quickly pulled a towel over herself and was confronted by the hotel assistant manager. "Excuse me," he said. "The hotel doesn’t mind you sunning yourself on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What's the problem?" she asked. "No one can see me up here."

"That's not quite true," he replied. "You're lying on the dining room skylight

JIM

[mainopsman]

For the Sick:
 
A little Irish girl was attending a church service in Cabra with her mother when she started to complain she was feeling sick.

"I think I need to throw up" said the girl.

"Well, go outside" said the mother, "and use the bushes by the front door of the church"

The little girl went off but was back less than a minute later.

"That was quick,” said the mother. "Did you throw up?"

"Yes, but I didn’t go outside" replied the little girl.

"I used a box near the door that says "for the sick"

JIM

[OldFatGuy]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (actually written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (wise child)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (smart aleck!  )

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
– Ricky, age 10

[Meldy]

Those are some smart kids

[mainopsman]

Talking dog for sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign In
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever
sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they
had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services, The United
States Marines . . You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs'.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting In
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping . . . I was one of their most valuable spies for eight Years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from The Corps
(8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the Airport to do
some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in . . . I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals . . . I got married, had a mess of puppies. And now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for The
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that. He was in the Navy!"


JIM

[mainopsman]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I s aid be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget
to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at
him. "What in the world is
wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The
husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

__________________________________________________________________
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

__________JIM________________________________________________________