Time for a few Jokes!!!

[mainopsman]

The American Tourist

The American tourist was walking around the cathedral admiring the architecture.

'Are you enjoying your visit to Ireland?' asked a young priest.

'Very much, Father, but I can't get on with the whiskey it's far too strong for me,' said the Yank.

'Why so?' asked the priest.

'Well, I got drunk on it on Saturday night and crashed out unconscious. Sunday morning I woke at 5 a.m. bright as a button. I went to 6 o'clock mass, 7 o'clock mass, 8 o'clock, nine, ten and eleven o'clock mass. Then I went to afternoon Rosary, sermon, Stations of the Cross and Benediction!'

'So what's wrong with that?' asked the priest.

'I'm a Protestant!' said the tourist.

JIM

[OldFatGuy]

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

[OldFatGuy]

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

[mainopsman]

A Convicted Felon

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole in Mount Joy for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago." 

JIM

[mainopsman]

The Line-up

Paddy was put in a line-up at the police station on an assault charge.

When the female victim was led in, he shouted: "that's her!"
__________________________________________________________

Solicitor's Priorities

A young Dublin Solicitor was involved in a dreadful car smash. The entire side of his BMW was ripped away, along with his arm. "My car, my car" he groaned.

The patrolman weighed up the extent of the injuries and said: "Sir, I think you ought to be more concerned about your arm than your car."

The Solicitor looked down in horror at where his arm used to be and screamed:

"My Rolex! My Rolex!"
________________________________________________________________
Do You Serve Lawyers?

An Irishman walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator


 JIM

[mainopsman]

Acquitted

A Corkman was charged with murder but was acquitted by the skin of his teeth. Afterwards he told his solicitor that he could prove he was innocent because he was in jail at the time the crime was committed.

'Why on earth didn't you tell that to the court?' asked his solicitor.

'I thought that it might prejudice the jury against me', said the Corkman
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Beamed Up

Two Corkmen were escaping from a well-protected jail at night. All they had with them was a flashlamp, so when they reached the forty-foot wall surrounding the jail one Corkman said to the other:

'I'll shine the flashlamp up to the top of the wall and you climb up along the beam'.

'Hold on', said the second Corkman, 'how do I know that you won't switch off the lamp when I am halfway up?'
_________________________________________________________________
Pleading Guilty

At court a Solicitor pleaded on behalf of a very well dressed farmer's son who was accused of stealing.

The Judge turned to the young man and complimented him on his neat, well dressed appearance. Then he enquired of the young man as to where he got the very nice shirt he was wearing.

After some hesitation, the young man replied that he had got them made locally, which was a lie. Expressing surprise, the Justice asked: 'How many yards for a shirt like that?'

The young man replied: 'I got one in Murphy's yard and another in O'Sullivan's yard last night.' 

JIM

[mainopsman]

School Play

During the performance of a school nativity play at a local Dublin theatre, a large crack suddenly appeared in the stage. As the performance progressed the gap became bigger and bigger, until it finally developed into a hole. Everyone else managed to avoid it, but when young Jimmy stepped forward as one of the wise men he plunged straight through the hole.

The audience gasped. Jimmy's fathered whispered to his mother: "Don't worry, it's just a stage he's going through."
 
JIM

[OldFatGuy]

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the psalm.

Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was very nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

[Anderpaw]

Not really a joke, but it is funny. My little boy, Ian was taking a bath. He has very sensitive skin for a 2 year old. My wife asked him "How's your butt?" Without missing a beat he said, "There's a crack in it!" That's my boy!

[mainopsman]

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate
this!  Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line?  Here's what happened to Bubba:
 Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had.  Bubba said: "Shingles."  So she wrote down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba  what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."   So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, "Shingles."  So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had.  Bubba said,
"Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"

 Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

JIM

[Meldy]

Jim that's hilarious

[mainopsman]

How Many Bricks

'The boss has been on the phone,' said Cassidy. 'He says they're sending down a thousand bricks this afternoon.'

'My God,' cried Kelly, 'how many bricks are in a thousand?'

'I don't know,' said Cassidy, 'but there must be millions!'

JIM

[Lisa_Kelly_fan_forever]

 
Jim, where could you possibly get all these?

[OldFatGuy]

First, God created the Irish. He said to himself, "These people are fun. They're very fun. But I *don't* want them to *ever* rule the world." So to handicap them, He gave them Whiskey.

Then God created the Scots. He said to himself, "These people are almost as much fun as the Irish. But I don't want them to ever the world, either." So to handicap them, He gave them Kilts and Bagpipes.

Then God created the Welsh. He took one look at them, and said, "No way!!" So to handicap them, He gave them the Welsh Language.

Finally, God created the English. And for the smallest possible moment in time, He was worried. For he knew that these people would come closer to ruling the world than any of the others. So he realized that he needed to give them a great handicap. So He gave them ... the Irish, Scots, and Welsh.

[mainopsman]

Skin Transplant
A newly married Irish couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
JIM