Time for a few Jokes!!!

[penguin laminating device]

[OldFatGuy]

Bob, that's hilarious!!

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

[mainopsman]

Rich

I have to admit that is so very, very true.  This time you out did yourself.  Well done!!!!


JIM

[mainopsman]

Flattery

Paddy's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Paddy replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Paddy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet

JIM

[mainopsman]

Grandma's Peanuts

A Dublin boy visited his grandmother with his friend. While the boy was talking to his Granny in the kitchen, his friend was eating peanuts from a bowl on the living room table.

When it was time to go, the friend called out: "Thanks for the peanuts."

"That's ok" said the granny, "Since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em

JIM

[mainopsman]

Croak Granddad

A Donegal boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad."

"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now"

"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."

"No, I don't want to."

"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.

"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"

"Cos Mum says when you croak we can go to Disney world

JIM

[mainopsman]

The Great Race

A priest and rabbi were both given new vehicles from their congregations.

In the spirit of friendly rivalry they decided to race the cars to see who had the fastest.    On an early Saturday morning they took off, speeding along the local country roads.   With the rabbi in the lead, they topped a hill, and as luck would have it, at the bottom of the hill was a stop sign.  The rabbi hit the breaks, squealing to a sudden stop.   Father Murphy unable to stop fast enough struck the rabbi’s vehicle doing extensive damage.

Officer Clancy was dispatched to the scene to do the investigation.   After taking his time to look over the scene, he walked back to the priest’s vehicle.   Clancy then asked Father Murphy “exactly how fast was the good rabbi traveling when he backed into you Father?”

Jim

[mainopsman]

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.  The young couple sat in 
the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance 
of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more.  Standing at the 
top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here 
all hours of the night?"  "Why, Dad, " said Frances,  "Michael was just 
telling me everything that's in his heart!"  "Well, next time, "  roared 
Phelan,  "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take 
half as long!" 

JIM

[mainopsman]

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. 
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins 
to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya 
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the 
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. 
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be 
praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a 
minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next 
child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." 
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, 
Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor 
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you 
think it's the light that's attracting them?" 



JIM

[mainopsman]

Mrs.  Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's 
obiturary.  She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word 
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.  She 
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two 
dollars.  But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."  The newsman said he 
thought old Pete deserved more  and he'd give her three more words at no 
charge.  Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked  him and rewrote the obituary:  "Pete 
died.  Boat for sale" 

JIM

[mainopsman]

It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the 
channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be 
beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked 
Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So 
Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner 
pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was 
reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins 
was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, 
 and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?" 
"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for 
me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. 
"Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it 
jams." 

JIM

[mainopsman]

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus 
was never too happy about it, either. So one night sh hides in the cemetery 
and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up 
from behind a tombstone she jumps out in a red devil costume screaming, 
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's 
to heck I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who 
in the blazes ARE ye?". To that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya'   
drunkin old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "I'm very glad to meet you sir, I'm 
married to yer sister." 

JIM

[Meldy]

  Jim those are funny

[mainopsman]

The Top Ten Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun

Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)

You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"

When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."

Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

Those tiny green hairs in your hair brush.

Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.

Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

Irish Spring soap in the soap dish has a smiley face.

JIM

[logalogalog]

What is Wile E.  Coyote's favorite song?














Walking In The Air