Trials and Tribulations of a Celtic Woman Fan

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One evening young Uriah Nussbladder was flipping through the channels on his TV when he came across the first Celtic Woman special just as Meav began singing "Danny Boy." Nussbladder was immediately smitten by her beautiful voice, and bought a ticket for their show in North Sebastapol, the city nearest his humble abode, during the first pledge break.

Nussbladder did not possess an automobile, just a trusted elderly steed named Phineas. Ol' Phineas was especially sluggish after a recent bout with the flu, so Nussbladder took him to the County Animal Hospital. He told the veterinarian in charge, Dr. Lucretius Hemoglobin, to get Phineas into top shape in time for the Celtic Woman concert.

Dr. Hemoglobin took Nussbladder's payment and led ol' Phineas to the nearest stall. Unfortunately, he forgot to lock it, and was mortified the next day when he found that Phineas had wandered off during the night. Dr. Hemoglobin fretted away the hours looking for a way out of his predicament, when inspiration came his way in the form of a documentary on Leonard Da Vinci.

He laboured away the night in his garage building a DaVinciesque looking wooden thing with four movable legs, but still needed something to power his contraption. Fortunately, he had an over abundance of hamsters at the moment. He installed some exercise wheels and pulleys to help propel the device. He then bought several yards of brown felt and some horsehair wigs in an attempt to make the thing resemble ol' Phineas as much as possible.

Nussbladder came by the animal hospital on the day of the show to pick up Phineas. Dr. Hemoglobin invited him inside for a few drinks, which he had spiked with grain alcohol to insure Nussbladder would be too drunk to distinguish the felt-covered, hamster-powered device from his beloved ol' Phineas. The plan worked, and several hours later an inebriated Nussbladder mounted the "horse" and lurched away in the direction of North Sebastapol.

Nussbladder was making slow, but steady progress on his journey when fate intervened in the form of a road-side carnival, complete with a ferris wheel. Nussbladder didn't take notice, but the hamsters powering the contrivance did, and made a beeline for what them was the mother of all exercise wheels. Amazed onlookers watched as an odd-looking beast with a drunken man on its back leaped into the ferris wheel frame and merrily trotted away inside the giant wheel.

Carnival owner Adolph Crestapuelle was bewildered at first when he beheld this strange sight, but soon took advantage of the unexpected good fortune and used the revenue from his vastly increased ticket sales to install a large water bottle on the ferris wheel. Eventually Nussbladder sobered up enough to realize the plight he faced and managed to use the tools on his Swiss Army knife to loosen the ferris wheel from its frame. Once the ferris wheel was loose,  and Nussbladder discovered he could steer the wheel by adjusting the water bottle. he and the hamster-driven "horse" rolled on their way to North Sebastapol.

 Nussbladder's eventful sojourn came to an end when he arrived at Ezra  Klemelhop's Concert Hall & Indoor Plumbing Emporium, the site of that evening's Celtic Woman concert. Alas for poor Nussbladder he was turned away at the box office when the baffled attendant told the odd-looking figure wearing a tartan plaid kilt and matching ferris wheel that he was improperly dressed.

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This is crazy!

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How did you manage to think this one up?

It's Really creative.

[Kelli]

Oh my gosh, I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!  Thank you!

[OldFatGuy]

Those hilarious tales are the products of Bob's incredible imagination.  He's been regaling us with stories like that one for ages.  Thanks, Bob! 

[DakotaF.]

Those hilarious tales are the products of Bob's incredible imagination.  He's been regaling us with stories like that one for ages.  Thanks, Bob! 

I loved this! i am SO a huge fan of these things!

[willow-jeeves]

     Thanks, Bob!  A perfect antidote to the "post three-day weekend blues"!  Glad to to see the stories again!   

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I was looking forward very to attending yesterday's
(June 9th) performance at the Wang Center in Boston a
great deal. I didn't let yet another car problem
deter me from making my way to the performance. I
found a used surfboard and harnessed some herring to
to tow me along the coast to Boston Harbor.
Unfortunately, the herring were of the kippered
variety so the progress wasn’t very rapid.

A strong gust whipped me off course. I drifted with
the current for quite a long time before beaching on
an uncharted island. I soon discovered the the natives
had formed a very peculiar cargo cult. They worshipped
a large crate of odor eaters that had fallen from the
hold of a C130 several years earlier.

I found out about this cult in an highly distressing
manner when they tried to sacrifice me to their “god”
in a giant sneaker made from coconut palm branches. I
was able to escape by disguising myself as a corn pad.

I hastily built a raft using the odor eaters and made
my getaway. My luck didn’t hold out for long. I soon
found myself on the inside the mouth of a large,
hungry whale. The whale soon realized that the odor
eaters had cured his halitosis. The grateful cetacean
returned the favor by swimming up the Charles River
and dropping me off as close to the Wang Theater as
possible. I made my own way to the lobby of the hotel
directly across the street where I met Scott and
Melanie from the forum.

[Nero Angelo]

Odd, I use an aftershave lotion called 'Halitosis'. It makes my breath seem sweet.
Terrific story as always, Bob.

[Mel]

After meeting PLD in Boston....

yes...He IS that funny 

[Charlie'sAngels]

I just ordered a Penguin Laminating Device from Grainger's Supply. Competitively priced too!

[Western_Rose]

poor guy he should have been let into the concert, great story I used to have Hamsters, boy were their wheels loud once I had a dream I was on a train woke up still thinking I was on the train only to find it was the Hammy's wheel 

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I just signed up for theCeltic Woman newsletter. Their sign up form has a text field in which your asked to describe how you discovered Celtic Woman. Here's what I put down:

I was practicing my human cannonball act when the cannon slipped in its mount. This caused it to level off just before firing resulting in my being shot directly through the storefront of a Best Buy. I came to rest immediately in front of a home theatre unit just as they were playing the first Celtic Woman DVD. Meav's version of "Danny Boy" won me over on the spot.

[Kelli]

PLEASE post more often, I love the laughs!

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I was very happy when I saw my hometown of Portland, Maine added to to this year's tour. I've seen them in Boston several times these last few years. The shows were wonderful in spite of the ordeals I endured getting there.
 
I'll give you an example. I was driving down to see them at the Bank of America Pavilion last July when my car broke down. Fortunately, it chose to stall near a carrier pigeon breeding farm. I went to the owner and bought 50 carrier pigeons. I harnessed 25 to each arm and proceeded to fly onward to Bank of America Pavilion. I did make it to the show on time, but became painfully acquainted with every statue of a general between here and Boston.