"Tweed Caps For Silk Dresses."

ACT 1: SCENE 1: Bus Stop [waiting at a bus stop The Seven McKenna Kids are waiting and counting their pennies. Walking Towards them are The Garibaldi’s Youngest Four Laughing about something Frank just remarked on about the McKenna Boys Hats]

Frank [Still Laughing]: Doesn't He Look Foolish Tina? [Pointing at Donal's Tattered Tweed Hat]
You think maybe his parents could get him a new one.
[Christina and Cecilia Laugh]

Donal: Don’t Start with Me Garibaldi, or ill shove this Hat into Places Ye' don’t want to see. [Spits at his Feet]

Frank [Jumps Back]: Watch wear you spit Ireland, These are brand new Shoes! Something you and your brothers and sisters'll never see! [Laughs again]

Donal: [Runs at Frank Full Charge but is pulled Back by Deirdre and Grace] Let Me Go!! Let me Get Him, He's Insultin' Us!!

Deirdre: Stop! Stop Donal, He's Not Worth It

Grace: Frank you better Run, Donal is Obviously Bigger and Stronger than you!

Frank: Oh is he really? You just held him back miss muscle.

Grace: Excuse me? Im trying to protect your hide

Frank: I don’t need protecting. Im not a poor fool

Christina: Its you who needs protecting, and food. You’re skinnier than a bean pole.

Cecilia: Hmmph, no wonder why she can't get a date.

Grace [Heated]: Oh really Miss Cecilia Garibaldi, and your so much more attractive, with your stomach hanging over your school skirt. i take care of my body.

Cecilia: So, i look healthy, you look like my grandmother. She died two weeks ago she was 68! you look 68 and near death!

Grace: My Nans still kickin at 70. And she looks better than you.

Joey [Pushing Cecilia aside]: You think you’re so hot? Your Ugly, stop mouthing my sister, she looks like a real woman, and you’re a flimsy pencil, better watch I don’t break you in half! [Cracks Knuckles]

Padraig [Runs in front of Grace and Pushes Joey]: Threaten my sister again Garibaldi, and you wont have to worry about real woman, cause you wont be able to see out the shiner i give yeh'

Joey [Obviously scared, walks away]

Padraig: That’s what I thought boy, don’t cross my path again and tell your little siblings to stop disgracing your family name, not that the damage done already is able to be taken back

Grace: Thanks Paddy, but really I wasn’t so scared of that old Garibaldi, He’s all talk and no action.

Padraig: Don’t be stupid Grace, he could have snapped you right in half if he wanted to.

Grace: Paddy, im 16 and it’s about time I start fending for myself

Padraig: Are you mad? You’ll be eaten alive out here. If not by Joey Garibaldi, then by one of his Elephant sisters.

Grace [Hotly]: Im just as strong as you Paddy!

Padraig [Laughing]: Oh really Grace McKenna, My sister who cried during the Haunted Hay-Ride at Uncle Kevin’s farm last year. Im much stronger than you

Grace [Yelling]: You get chased by a Chainsaw; see how you like it then! Plus what does that have to do with anything. It doesn’t prove anything against the fact im just as strong as you.

Padraig [Amusingly Mocking Attitude]: Sure it does, I was being chased by the same man.

Grace [Angrily]: Well then Let me prove it to you [Drops her books and charges at Padraig. Padraig pushes her back] Oh Dem your soul!

Padraig: Im stronger. Let it go. You’re safer that way.

Eileen: The Bus is pulling up. Did everyone put their share in to pay for all of us?

Donal: Yes. I put extra so Bridget didn’t have to pay.

Bridget: Thank you Donnie

Colleen: You got mine Eileen.

Padraig: Uhh… [Puts hands in pockets and pulls out

Eileen: Oh Padraig ill pay this time, but this is my summer trip money!

Padraig: Where you goin?

Eileen: Hopefully New Jersey with the Girls.

Padraig: If you had the money.

Eileen: If you stopped relying on me, I would.

Padraig: What does the saying “Blood before New Jersey” mean to you

Eileen: Nothing Because you just made it up [Laughs]

Grace: I paid for mine and Deirdre’s.

ACT 1: SCENE 2: Garibaldi’s Kitchen[The McKenna’s Board the Bus, Right after the Garibaldi’s. The Light Dims as the bus pulls away. The Light is lit again and we see the Garibaldi’s Kitchen. Maria is cooking something in a big pot.
Sara is playing with her son Mikey. The Garibaldi Kids all walk in to the massive kitchen.]

Maria [Looking up from Pot]: My Bambini! How was school my darlings?

Christina [Menacingly looks at frank]: Frank got in a fight Mama!

Frank: Im going to cut those braids out of your hair [runs after Christina]

[Christina Hides behind her mother.]

Maria [in Italian]: Che cosa vi ha dato quell'idea? Siete pazzi?

Frank: No Mama, It was that Donal McKenna, he’s a brutal kid you know.

Christina: No---- [Cecilia puts her hand over Christina’s mouth]

Maria [Hugs Frank]: Quel Diavolo Irlandese, Il Mio Povero Bambino

Frank [Squished]: Aye mama! Let go.

Maria [Lets go]: Sorry Frankie.

Christina: Cecilia got in a fight too. With Grace McKenna, I think Grace won though, Padraig defended her against Joey.

Maria: I will be talking with papa tonight; He can go set Those McKenna boys Straight, and that Ratty Little McKenna Girl.

Sara: Mama, don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit. Frankie seems to be alright, and he is a notorious liar. And Cecilia is fine, not a scratch on her flesh. Your Bambini are Big boys and Girls now, they have to learn how to fend for themselves and not run to Mama and Papa.

Maria: Nonsense Sara, We never had this problem with you because you were a meek little soul. Don’t call your baby brother a Liar, he is no such thing. Your younger siblings took after Papa, they are born Garibaldi’s, they live for Fights.

Sara: Mama, Frank Lies to you every day, more than once.

Frank: hey do I have any say in this at all.

Sara: Shut up you little Bastardo!

Maria [Hits Sara’s Wrist]: Don’t talk to him that way, he is still a boy.

Mikey: Wha’s a Bastawd? [Confused]

Maria: Look what you’ve done now Sara, your own Bambini Swearing like your drunk of a husband.

Sara: Leave Francis out of this. He has no place in it.

Maria: Just like he has no place in this family.

Sara: He is partial to the blessing of your grandkids. He Belongs.

Maria: Oh yes, my daughter, He gets you pregnant at 17. That sure is a blessing. The only place he belongs is a prison.

Sara: That is not fair, he’d never get sent to a jail, and he’d never last anyway.

Maria: I suppose your right; let’s find him a nice cell. One with padding on the walls.

Frank: Like where they put Uncle Jimmy, The Crazy Home!

Sara [Picks Mikey up and Calls Gio]: Im not staying here and letting you talk about my children’s father in such away that does not approve of him.

Maria: Good, make sure Francis does not beat you in front of them either.

Cecilia: no that’s only when he’s not drunk mama. Don’t worry.

Maria: That frightens me my daughter.

Cecilia: Sara told me herself.

Maria: Oh Saints in Heaven!? It’s happened before.
Cecilia [Casually]: Naw, im just kidding Mama

Frank: And she calls me the Liar?

Maria: You are not Liar, Son. And certainly not Bastardo.

[Enter Giovanni who speaks English but in a very thick Italian accent]

All the Kids in Unison: Hello Papa.

Giovanni: Bonjourno Bambini. [Kisses his daughters]

Maria: Aye, Papa. Our little Bambini have involved themselves in a feud.

Giovanni: With whom?

Christina: With--- [Cut off by her mother]

Maria: The McKenna Diavoli! Padraig, Grace, and Donal

Giovanni: Oh really, what do they want money?

Frank: No Donal is just a Bully, Papa.

Cecilia: Grace is a Skinny Bird; I had to set her straight.

Joey: Padraig defended Grace, so I had to defend Cecilia.

Giovanni: hmm.

Maria: hmm what papa?

Giovanni: I am thinking Maria! [Pauses for a bit] I will pay visit to Mr. McKenna tonight.
but now it is time for dinner, and Mama made us delectable foods.

[The Family all sit at the Table. The Lights black out, and when they are lit back up, you see all the McKenna’s crowded around a table saying blessings some of the Kitchen wear has changed fitting the family’s wealth.]

Grandpa Finnbarr [in Irish Accent]: Bless us all Father, for the Gifts we have been given

Grandma Philomena [in Irish accent]: And bless Our Grandchildren, for their sheer brilliance, and May they never be this poor again in their lives.

Dermot: Mam? Could you be a little more dismal?

Philomena: Nonsense boy, im talking to god.

Dermot: God wants you to be depressing.

Philomena: its not depressing its god talk!

Deirdre: You talk to god differently then us?

Philomena: Well sure, do you determine if I get inta’ heaven?

Deirdre: Well, No. but---

Philomena: Then keep your beautiful mouth closed.

Deirdre [Does motion of zipping her lip]

Philomena: that’s a good little girl, now where were we, oh yes Lord please---

Dermot: That’s enough prayers for this dinner, Annie’s food is getting cold.

Annie: No it aint Dermot, I just took it out the oven.

Dermot [Smacks his forehead]

Philomena [Coolly]: We know whose going to heaven here, then you wont have to worry about Annie’s Food Getting cold in heck.

Dermot: Mam, I love you, but taking 90 minutes to bless our family. God will stop blessing us.

Annie: His blessings are not evident, we aren’t rich, we don’t have cars, and we still live down the street from those darn Garibaldi’s.

Dermot: Oh Annie, Mr. Garibaldi isn’t a bad man.

Annie: Oh it’s not him im worried about, it’s that bother of a Wife. Maria Garibaldi walks by every day, criticizing our kids and my house wear.

Dermot: You said it yourself, she’s an orb. You’re skinny; she wishes she had your body.

Annie: She’s not the only one; her kids have been picking on ours incessantly. Donal came home today asking if we could get him a new hat, and its cause that Frank has been picking on him.

Donal: No, Mom really it’s alright. I don’t mind.

Colleen: Donnie, Don’t lie to Mammy and Daddy, you were upset by Frank.

Donal: Im not lying and you have no part in this Col.

Colleen: I do, because you’re my little brother and I care

Annie: Let your Sister in Don

Donal: Not when she’s being a nosey Nancy

Eileen: You can’t talk to a lady like that!

Donal: A lady, Colleen is my sister

Eileen: She’s Still Female

Annie: Which means you should treat her with respect

Padraig: If He ever expects to get a girl friend

Dermot {changing subject]: Isn’t Frank two years younger than you Donnie?

Donal: Well yeah [a bit ashamed]

Dermot: Than show him what McKenna boys are made of

Annie [Scolding] : Are you encouraging a fight, physical harm done to one of them?

Dermot [trying to cover himself]: Um, no son what I meant was...

Donal: Dad, im not going to pick a fight. Mammy don’t worry.

Bridget [Asking her Granddad in a whisper]: What does papa mean “What McKenna Boys are made of”?

Finnbarr: Ahh, well dear. Your dad was giving Donal bad advice; see we Irish men are not very good at that, that’s why we pray the mom’ll never walk out, especially if we have daughters.

Bridget: Bad Advice?

Finnbarr: Never take your dads advice on dealing with other people, you’ll most likely end up regretting the fact you share the same bloodline as your papa.

Bridget: Ohh.

Dermot: Well, now that im done making a fool of myself ---

Annie: Nonsense we’re all family, and we sure are not the type to ever have decent advice---

Dermot: Unless we’ve downed a few pints!

[All Laugh.]

Annie [Kisses Dermot’s Cheek]: You are such a Happy Drunk, that’s the way I like it.

Padraig: Not at the table, im still eating my stew.

Eileen: You have a girlfriend paddy, I see you two together all the time.

Padraig: Yeah, but I don’t make her family throw up when we’re eating dinner.

Annie {sarcastically]: Oh im sure you don’t kiss her boy.

Grace: Oh he kisses her Alright. I saw them after school two days ago

Padraig: Thanks, ill remember that later, when you’re in the middle of a fight with Cecilia.

Grace: Awwh, your gonna leave me?

Padraig: You said it yourself; you’re stronger than me [Laughs].

Grace: exactly, I can take her

Padraig: Oh im so sure

[Grace Reaches across the Table to Slap Padraig, but Eileen Pulls Her back]

Annie: Enough you two. Gosh you two fight like an old couple.

Bridget: You and Daddy don’t fight that much!?
[Everyone Laughs]

Finnbarr: Bridey, Mammy means someone more around me and Nannie’s Age

Philomena: when did I become old? I thought I was a rather young nana.

Finnbarr: You’re Seventy Woman, stop thinking your Grace’s Age.

Philomena: You’re nearer to eighty.

Finnbarr: Maybe you are Grace’s age, intellectually

Philomena: If I was Grace’s age, I’d have to question your moral values.

Grace: why am I so Popular?

Padraig: Why are you so Self Centered?

Grace: Why are you so__so__awwh I’ve got nothing

Padraig: King of Comebacks!

Grace [In over dramatic voice]: Oh High King of Comebacks, I am not worthy

Padraig: Aren’t you cute.

Annie: Did I say enough before, or am I just going crazy.

Philomena: Better you than I to Admit!

Dermot: You went crazy after you had your youngest kid.

Philomena: No I went crazy, when I conceived my oldest.

Finnbarr: I thought you were happy.

Philomena: Oh yes, 18 and pregnant, such a joyful time.

Finnbarr: I stuck with you.

Philomena: That you did.

Finnbarr: No Smart Remark? No Sarcastic comment? No Bringing up of Poverty?

Philomena: I thought I’d throw everyone for a loop.

Finnbarr: You’re good at doing that one, my wife.

[The Family Continues to eat and Chat amongst themselves. And a knock comes to the door.]

Dermot: Who wants to talk to me at this time in the evening?

Philomena: Who said they wanted to talk to you?

Dermot: Excuse me Mam, would you like to answer the door?

Philomena: No, I’m eating.

Dermot [Goes and Answers door and sees Giovanni]: Oh hi there Mr. Garibaldi

Giovanni: I have to talk to you about a little spat our children got into today.

Dermot: Oh I just heard about it. Over a dinner conversation. Funny thing to talk about at dinner don’t you say.

Giovanni [Stern look]: Yes. Well apparently your boy picked on mine and upset him quite a bit.

Dermot: Funny because, Donal told me that your boy said something about my boy’s tweed hat.

Giovanni: Are you calling my son a Liar McKenna?

Dermot: When did those words leave my lips Mr. Garibaldi?

Giovanni: You Implied it.

Dermot: I’m not saying either of our boys are wrong. I’m just saying Donal is a bit of a meek soul and he doesn’t pick fights with even his brothers. That’s my daughter Grace.

Giovanni: Ahh her too, she called my dear sweet Cecilia, a tub of lard.

Dermot: I’m sorry Mr. Garibaldi, my daughter Grace is a bit of a rebel, but she surely would never say something like that.

Giovanni: She said it, and even if Cecilia is more round, she looks healthier than your pencil of a daughter.

Dermot: Look Mr. Garibaldi, I don’t care how you feel about me or my family.

Giovanni: Maybe if you’re wife fed your kids more they wouldn’t look so pale.

Dermot: Pale? It’s their Irish Skin.

Giovanni: Yes, I forgot all you had over there were potatoes.

Dermot: I’m not going to let you stand in my home insulting my family.

Giovanni: you have for the last few Minutes.

Dermot: Get out of here you worthless slob.

Giovanni: Here, let me feed your family for a few nights [hands Dermot a $10 bill]

Dermot: I don’t want your dirty money, I make just enough at the Dockyard a week.

Giovanni: Sure, don’t bite the hand that offers to feed you.

Dermot: I feed my own family; I don’t need your help.

[Giovanni exits and Dermot slams the door behind him. He walks into a silent room of eyes looking at him]

Dermot [Pauses]: Bible Thumpers

[lights Black out]

[lights open on a small set change of the kitchen in the Garibaldi’s House, it is morning and the kids are all sitting around the table planning their Saturday. All of a sudden Joey brings up the events of the night before at the McKenna’s House.]

Joey: So did you hear about papa shaming Mr. McKenna last night.

Frank: I heard Mama and Papa talking about it last night.

Cecilia: What happened Joey?

Joey: Well, Long story short. Papa went over to talk to him about our little fight, McKenna claimed we were liars, and god knows dad’d never believe him. So dad was about to leave and he offered McKenna money, and he wouldn’t take it, said he’d rather make his own money.

[Enter Maria]

Maria: Joey don’t talk about it and anger your papa more.

Joey: I was only telling Cecilia, she asked.

Maria: Well don’t speak of it.

Joey: Yes Mama.

Cecilia: What’s for breakfast mama?

Maria: Must I always make you breakfast you are big boys and girls now.

Cecilia [Stunned]: Mama, you didn’t let what Sara said to you get to your head did you?

Maria: She did make a point, I coddle you bambini too much.

Christina: No, No you don’t!!!

Frank: Will you still make us dinner?

Maria: Yes. I have to do that.

Joey: Hey, Hey Lay off Mama, she’s been taking care of us since we lived back in Rome.

Maria: Thank you Joseph.

Joey: Maaa, its Joey, No one calls me Joseph

Maria: Except me. That’s your given name after you grandfather. My papa

Joey: ehh...ill let it slide for you Mama
[Maria kisses her son]

Cecilia: So what do we make for breakfast.

Frank [looking at the stove]: I never thought I’d use this thing

Christina [searching through the cabinets and muttering to self]: something that wont need heat.

Joey: Guys, Guys why don’t we go somewhere for breakfast?

ACT 1: SCENE 3[They all rush upstairs and change into decent clothes for going out. Lights dim. So set can be changed to outdoors. The Garibaldi’s don’t expect to see the McKenna’s but sure enough they do meet up the street from the breakfast place.]

Joey: Can you believe it; the McKenna’s ruin every good family moment for us.

Grace: Really Joey, do you think that’s our purpose in life, to ruin your family moments.

Joey: You and your brood keep popping up everywhere we are.

Grace: it’s a little thing called coincidence. Im sorry that’s too big a word for you.

Joey: Shut up McKenna.

Donal: You can’t talk to a lady like that.

Joey: Oh-ho-ho Mr. Hot Shot here. What’cha gonna do, tell your papa on me.

Donal: No, im going to show you what real McKenna boys can do [Charges right into Joeys Stomach, causing him to fall over]

Grace {screams]: DONAL!!! He’s going to Kill or Eat You!

Joey [Getting up with rage in his eye]: Oh so that’s your game Ireland?

[Bridget screams and Hides behind Colleen]

Colleen: Donal look out! He’s to big to move as quick as you.

Eileen: Dodge! Duck! Dodge Again.

Donal [Running about frantically escaping Joey’s Punches]: Will you stop it! Sometimes you’re a backseat fighter

Eileen: I don’t want to watch my brother get eaten alive!

Grace: Where in gods name is Padraig when you need him?

Deirdre: Donal charge him again [all the girls look at Deirdre with looks of surprise]

In unison/minus Deirdre: NO

Donal [Charges Joey again causing him to fall over]: C’mon Girls!! [Then To Cecilia, Joey, Frank, and Christina] Lovely chatting with you, Slan!!

[The McKenna’s Bolt out of sight. Laughing]